As you're listening to the music, ponder the following:
- Be nice to your kids. They'll chose your nursing home
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
- Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
- Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
- I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
- Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
- Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
- If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
- It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
- Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
- Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
- Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Theories of Gumperson
Some years ago the magazine "Changing Times" published some of the theories of an obscure scientist named Gumperson. This gentleman had come up with a theory about life that he formulated into a basic law: That the contradictory of a welcome probability will assert itself whenever such an eventuality is likely to be most frustrating.
That sounds pretty complicated, but the sense of it can be easily seen in the following "laws" that Dr. Gumperson formulated from his basic premise...
That you can throw a burned match out of the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use boxes of matches and the entire edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
That after a raise in salary you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
That person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
That good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
That a child can be exposed to the mumps for weeks without catching them but can catch them without exposure the day before the family goes on vacation.
Gumperson, it is said, met an untimely death shortly after WWII. He was walking along a highway, dutifully obeying the rule of walking to the left facing traffic, when hit from behind by an Englishman who was hugging the left side of the road.
If Anything Can Go Wrong It Will
Paul Dickson, a 39 year-old writer became interested in the phenomena of universal laws when he discovered that the size of the cut he inflicted upon himself while shaving was directly proportional to the importance of the event he was shaving for.
1. If anything can go wrong, it will.
2. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
3. Everything takes longer than you expect.
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong first will be the one that will do the most damage.
5. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
6. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
8. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
11. The consumer report on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable" or The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy"
12. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
13. If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
14. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
15. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
17. Law of Gardening: You get the most of what you need the least.
18. Jones's Law: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19. Eve's Discovery: At a sale, the only suit or dress that you like and that fits is not the one on sale.
20. Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
21. Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
22. Douglas's Law of Practical Aeronautics: When the weight of the paperwork equals weight of the plane, the plane will fly.
23. Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
24. Wing-Walking, First Law of: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
25. Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
26. Clopton's Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
27. United Law: If an organization carries the word "united" in its name, it means it isn't: e.g., United Nations, United Arab Republic, United Kingdom, United States.
28. Kafka's Law: In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
29. Ettorre's observation: The other line moves faster. This applies to all lines-bank, supermarket, toll booth, customs. If you change lines, then the other line-the one you were in originally-will move faster.
30. Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
31. Never use one word when a dozen will suffice.
32. If it can be understood, it is not finished yet.
33. Never do anything for the first time.
34. Marshall's generalized iceberg theorem: Seven-eighths of everything can't be seen.
35. Runyon's Law: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. But that's the way to bet.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
37. Paige's Sixth Rule: Don't look back; something might be gaining on you. - Satchel Paige
38. Kristol's Law: Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
39. Parkinson's Law: (1) Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. (2) Expenditure rises to meet income.
40. Peer's Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem.
41. Corcoran's Law: All papers that you save will never be needed until such time as they are disposed of, when they become essential.
42. Darwin's Observation: Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. - Charles Darwin
43. Thurber's Conclusion: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
44. A spilled drink flows in the direction of the most expensive object.
45. Law of milk and other precious commodities: The less you have, the more you spill.
46. Law of epistolary effort: Troublesome correspondence that is postponed long enough will eventually become irrelevant.
47. Law of repair: Anything adjustable will sooner or later need adjustment
48. Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
49. A dog's affection increases in direct proportion to how wet and sandy he is.
50. When you come in late for work, everybody notices; when you work late, nobody notices.
51. The waitress always comes around to ask you how your food is whenever your mouth is full.
52. The average time between throwing something away and needing it badly is about two weeks.
53. Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
54. If you treat a sick child like an adult and a sick adult like a child, everything works out pretty well.
55. Checks are always delayed in the mail. Bills arrive on time or sooner.
56. If you do a job twice, it's yours.
57. Smith's Fourth Law of Inertia: A body at rest tends to watch television.
58. No matter how many show up for choir practice, you will need one more copy of the music.
59. The shorter the agenda the longer the meeting.
60. When you're right, nobody remembers; when you're wrong, nobody forgets.
61. O'Reilly's Law: No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
62. Kilpatrick's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.
63. Shanahan's Law: The length of the meeting is the square of the number of people present.
64. Brennan's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
65. Dooley's Law: If something happens to you, it has previously happened to all your friends.
66. Never hire a plumber who wears rubber boots or an electrician with scorched eyebrows.
67. Thomas's Rules of the Game: a) No matter how well you do something, someone won't like it. b) No matter how trivial the assignment, it is always possible to build it up to a major issue.
68. Herman's Rule: If it works right the first time, you've obviously done something wrong.
69. Toomey's Rule: It is easy to make decisions on matters for which you have no responsibility.
70. Immediately after you buy an item, you find a coupon for it.
71. The first person who gets off a crowded elevator is always standing in the back.
72. The last key in the bunch usually opens the lock.
73. The weaker the arguments, the stronger the words.
74. If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.
- If you drop it - pick it up;
- If you sleep on it - make it up;
- If you wear it - hang it up;
- If you spill it - wipe it up;
- If you turn it on - turn it off;
- If you open it - close it;
- If it rings - answer it;
- If it whines - feed it;
- If it cries - love it.
- If it buzzes - ignore it;
- If it rings - put it on hold;
- If it's stuck - call the repairman;
- If it's a friend - go to lunch;
- If it's a boss - act busy;
- If it speaks - take notes;
- If it's handwritten - type it;
- If it's typed - copy it;
- If it's a copy - file it;
- If it's Friday - save it for Monday.
Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly-washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ball-point pen in inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.
1. The law of volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you better let him lead.
2. The law of avoiding oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
3. The know-its-time-to-quit law: The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets
4. The law of common sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist
5. The first law of reality: There are days when no matter which way you spit, it is upwind
6. The second law of reality: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
7. The third law of reality: Whatever it is that hits the fan, it will not be distributed equally.
8. The fourth law of reality: Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
9. The fifth law of reality: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
10. The law of goal-setting: Reality is a crutch for those who cannot cope with fantasy.
11. The law of escape: When you are in a hole, stop digging.
12. The law of vision: The higher you climb, the further you can see, but the view gets fuzzier.